Middle Ground

 It’s been a while, but that doesn’t mean that there has been nothing to say. I suppose life just has a habit of getting in the way, being too busy and I haven’t allowed space to over think everything. Of course there has been the bad days and journaling as well as talking to others has helped me to get through them. I wouldn’t say I was happy, but not unhappy either. More that I’ve accepted where I am at the moment, I’ve found  a level ground, for the time being at least. But I’m not giving up either. I know I still haven’t found the path that I’d like to be on, there are still options I want to explore. But I still have a mortgage and bills to pay, so I need to be realistic too. When I started this job over two years ago, I knew I needed  a change and it came at the right time. I couldn’t see past that and what would happen next. I wouldn’t have even said I’d still be there now. But what I will say is that I found the challenge that I needed at a time I needed it. And I learnt to cope with myself, better when one area of my life was doing okay. Now its about getting the balance right, Making the time to do the things I enjoy and not letting work take over. And I think its going okay, for now at least. I’m learning to focus on the right things, sometimes easier said than done.

Work is good, not as busy right now as it was when I started , but keeping me occupied and learning new things. And I think having one area of my life in a better place, has helped to try and balance other things. Being in the office five days a week allows me to walk away at 5:30 and not think about it until 9am the next morning. And I do just that.  I know I haven’t found what path I’d like to be on, but I’m not wholly unhappy. I’ve found ways to manage my mental wellbeing, like making time to do the little things I enjoy or just getting outside. There is something about blue skies, sunshine, or even just natural light that can help life my mood. There are still things I need to work on of course, when isn’t there? Making decisions that haven’t been easy but needing to make changes and not just do what I’ve always done, and carry on with something just because I’m used to it.

The biggest thing to work on now is acceptance. Of me, of who I am. Believing I’m enough, as I am. I’m trying and I have moments where its all okay. But there are moments where it all gets a little too much. How many times can you keep being brave, putting yourself out there,  to just be knocked back again and again, to always be the friend and nothing else. It gets lonely and tiring. But I keep trying all the same. I’m working on me, but then aren’t we all. Its not always easy, but I remain hopeful that my time will come, I don’t want to give up. But then again, I don’t believe in just putting up with either. Why should I? I’m learning to accept myself, and so others should too. And if they don’t? Then I’m better off not bothering, to walk away. So now I’m in that funny place, that middle ground, not a bad place to be,  but I just don’t want to stay here forever. We all deserve to find that love, that happiness, don’t we?