Picking yourself back up

My lack of self esteem has been bothering me recently, and I strongly believe that its because of what happened when I was younger. When you’re at primary school, and bullied, and then that carries on into secondary school, it can only have a negative impact of how you see yourself as a person. I eventually stood up to my bullies, fought back and they left me alone. But what I hadn’t realised is how big the impact of that bullying would be later. My self esteem is damaged, I see that now, but how do you come back from that?

I struggle to see myself the way others see me, to take a compliment and feel good about myself most days. The message that I’m not good enough, that there is something wrong with me has stayed with me. I am my own harshest critic. If I’m told I look nice, to say thank you is difficult, and instead I offer some kind of comment or excuse. Its like I have a disbelief in people’s opinion of me. For example, I think so little to myself that if I was told someone liked me, in that way I would immediately think they were drunk or looking at someone else or lying. And that makes me feel sad. I’d love to have that amount of faith in myself, that I could just say thank you, and see what happens. But I don’t think I have and worry that I never will.

They say that until you love yourself, you can’t love anyone else. And I believe that’s partly true. It’s like I shut a part of me off, even to those closest to me. We can all make our lives look good on the outside, but on the inside it’s a very different story. The act of liking and even loving yourself is not a simple one. It constantly feels like a battle, with yourself, and it’s exhausting. But now I’m more aware of how my low opinion of myself is impacting on things, I’m trying to take small steps to improve how I see me. So, when I believe that I’ve done something wrong, and begin to beat myself up over it, the act of journaling has helped to explore my feelings. By seeing the negativity there in black and white, it can make me see if for what it is and begin to start seeing things a little differently. To know that I’m doing my best, and that’s okay. Self-compassion and being kinder to yourself can have a transformative effect on self-esteem, and although it is easier said than done, I’ve got to at least try.

‘Only speak to yourself how you’d speak to a best friend’