A Conversation With Myself

We all have good days and bad days and today is a bad one for me. After my post back in January about rejection, you would have thought that I’d moved on, had a clearer idea of where I was going, but no. Still stuck, and after a run of five interviews this week, with no positive outcome from any of them, it makes a massive dent to your confidence, whilst still being in a job that although I’m grateful for at this current time, I would prefer to be in something else. And then the conversations come. I can’t feel this way, it’s stupid compared to what others are going through.

And so that may be. But its important to me right now, in this moment. Low self-esteem is definitely a big issue. And these conversations are a constant battle, its exhausting. I keep telling myself that nothing is wrong with me, but I’m beginning to think that maybe there is. It doesn’t have to be a big thing, but something is there. Again, that comparison  to others rearing its ugly head. Its not, or shouldn’t  be about justifying myself but being totally honest about how I feel, and the answer is, not good. My head is so full sometimes that I don’t know what to do with all the thoughts.  A room bathed in moonlight, and a tired soul unable to sleep. That was me, making myself feel smaller and smaller until I just disappear. And when something upsets me, these thoughts are just heightened and I don’t like the person that I become.

I have a short temper, unable to control what I say or do, not to the extreme, but enough to take it out on those  closest to me. I get irritated quickly and by irrelevant, small things. And its more often than not, masking something bigger that I can’t explain. I feel anxious, at not knowing what comes next. And part of it is just me, who I am, heightened by hormones, situations. If I feel uneasy about something, worried about doing things wrong, then it makes me not even want to try. Its that inner voice again, talking over me, telling me I can’t do anything right. And I just feel emptiness.  I know I should stop judging myself, stop punishing myself and that I’m allowed to feel how I feel, but there are moments when I just wish I could feel a little less. Maybe some days it’s just more important to be than constantly do.

Like I said, we all have ups and downs, and I know that once I allow myself to see that, to pick myself back up, that once more I’ll be able to take something from how I feel in this current moment and move forwards, wherever that may be. I’ve yet to find my place, that’s all. And those conversations? I need to try and quieten them down, particularly on days like today when they threaten to take over. And listen carefully for that other voice, the one that will help me get back up, and carry on. I’m sure its there somewhere.