Feeling the Pressure

 

I’m revisiting a topic that is both important to me, and that on the other hand I loathe that it matters so much to how I feel as a person and that’s the stigma of weight, and losing it. I have always struggled with it over the years, and at one point I lost nearly 4 stone. But was I happier then? The answer is no, not really. And as I seem to have put most of that weight back on in the last 10 years, I feel like I’m back to square one, like a failure. But that’s the thing about worrying about your weight, I don’t think you are ever truly happy. I’m back to weighing myself each week and I do get upset when its not the outcome that I want. And I beat myself up about what I eat, that I don’t exercise as much as I should. I feel guilty all the time and then it affects the way I look at myself and how comfortable I feel in my clothes, and how I think other people look at me. It’s a horrible feeling and it has never really gone away as I’ve yo-yoed between my lightest and my heaviest. I have days when I just think so what, that life is too short to get so het up about such things, and then other days where I feel like crying at the way it makes me feel as a person. I don’t have an eating disorder as some do, and I feel grateful for that, but it is something that affects my mental wellbeing.

 

The media certainly has a lot to answer for when it comes to the way that weight and body type is portrayed. I get so frustrated when celebrities are shamed in magazines and papers for putting on weight, like there is something wrong with them if they do. I know there are health issues with being overweight, but do we need that kind of perception shoved in our faces, making us feel inadequate about our own body shape. I can see how eating disorders manifest when this is what we are being made to believe. It’s the wrong image to portray and it angers me how people are treated if they don’t fit the ideal. When is that okay??  Not only is it an awful way to treat people, it also has an effect on how we see ourselves and what we are worth, that I’m destined to remain alone and be unattractive to someone because of how I look and what I weigh. And that is not the case, but it doesn’t stop me thinking it. Something needs to change, more needs to be done to show how this portrayal is effecting a wide range of people, from the quite young, to those of us that feel we ought to know better. There is awareness of eating disorders and highlighting the bravery of those admitting that they have a problem, and that is brilliant. It takes a lot to tell the world that you couldn’t cope with how it made you feel and that you struggle with an eating disorder, even more so if you are in the public eye. I watched Freddie Flintoff: Living with Bulimia  this week and it was both heart breaking and inspirational. It took a lot for him, and the people he spoke to, to tell their stories and share their experiences on how they dealt with their own demons. But until the media stops slamming people for their bodies, the numbers will only increase as more people try to deal with their body shape and how they are made to feel about it, me included.

 

Although I don’t suffer with an eating disorder, I have my own experience of it and how I feel about my own weight, and I can’t see this changing anytime soon. I will continue to struggle with what the scales tell me, and how I could do better, I think its just part of who I am. Will I ever be happy? Probably not where weight is concerned. I don’t think  we can be if its an ongoing issue. But I will try to at least accept who am I, and try and find some common ground in terms of my relationship with food and exercise. Isn’t that all we can do?