Believe in Yourself

 I’m sitting in a coffee shop writing this, a new thing for me, but something I could do again. There is a vibe around me as others read, or work or just enjoy a chat over a cuppa. But it gives me a different view and inspiration that I haven’t felt in a while. Its all too easy to get stuck in a daily routine, and suddenly you don’t feel you have the space or capacity to do anything else except go to work and come home to slouch on the sofa before bed. I’m not saying I’m unhappy, more stagnant. I’ve forgotten to keep doing the things I love, or lost some of that love for when I think I’m not good enough. But as I sit here, I feel a little lighter.

My hands on the keys as I type all the rambling thoughts in my head, and I know there are stories whirling around in there somewhere, I just need to allow myself the space and time to free them. I need to remember to satisfy my creative needs. They are part of me, and I know I’ve been smothering that side of who I am in the drudgery of the day to day. I started to believe that I couldn’t do it anymore, that I was chasing a silly dream. But if this last week, or just even this morning has taught me, its that these dreams are important and you shouldn’t let anyone, including yourself, tell you otherwise. If even a spark of something is still there, don’t let it go out. Its taken me a while to realise that. I’d given up on finishing my novel, or finding a job that I enjoy, but there is still hope that things can change. But only I can make that change. And sometimes its about getting the balance right. I’ve been in this job now for 18 months and its okay. Not the dream, but is there such a thing? I still feel that I can do more, but I also now understand that I’m lucky to be where I am, for now at least. But I need to find the time and space to clear my head before making any decisions, make them for the right reason. But also, work on achieving what I want from my life. Things aren’t  going to come to me if I just sit and wait, I have to work for them too. I know I have more to give and stories to tell, does it matter when or how it happens?

One of my biggest faults is not believing in myself, that I’m good enough. It comes from being bullied, from being constantly second best and being alone. After a while, you start to feel that there is something wrong with you, that you’ll always be this person that is invisible to others, looked down upon. But I need to learn to stand tall, I have a voice and I need to learn to use it. You don’t get anything if you don’t ask. Don’t let others smother who you are and who you want to be. Don’t follow the crowd and try and be someone you’re not.  And never give up on your dreams. Finding something important in life does not mean that you must give up on everything else. We work to live, but we don’t live to work. Most of us will never find that ‘perfect’ job, if there is even such a thing and I need to take the pressure off. Keep on with the day to day, accept where I am for now, but keep an open mind whilst working on finding things that give me joy.

Mental Health Awareness week has just come to an end and its continued to highlight to me what’s really important. I’ve been working on my wellbeing and finding ways to manage on the days when things are  little harder, but knowing its okay to have a bad day. And on those days, to find something that will help ease my anxiousness. Whether that be losing myself in a good book, taking a walk or just being outside in the sunshine. Listening to what my mind as well as my body needs. A couple of weeks ago I had my first ever migraine and it knocked my sideways for a bit. I don’t even know what brought it on. But I don’t want another one anytime soon. So I need to learn to take a breath, take a moment and wait for that dark cloud to pass. Sunshine makes me smile, makes my heart lighter and brings me back to reality. I’m grateful for the time when I can really be out exploring nature and the space to breathe. Be who I am. It helps me to see things clearer, to be in that moment. I don’t take this for granted either. Its become really important to me, knowing it will help how I’m feeling, especially when things get a little too much.

And it gives me space to think. And I’ll continue to follow my dreams, which ever direction they take me, but I’m not giving up.   While I’m becoming the person I want to be, I need to remember  to love who I am. Even a slow process is some kind of progress. So instead of stressing about the distance I’ve got left to travel, I’ll celebrate just how far I’ve come. Deep breath, I’ve got this.

BE YOU.