Needing a Little More Faith…

This is something I have to keep reminding myself, especially on a low day like today. Its Monday, and as happens regularly, I feel like I’m not in a very good place. But its very much needed, that faith, both on a daily basis and for the future, in what I can achieve and do. It’s especially hard when you feel left behind and not good enough, whilst others move on to bigger and better things. I look for jobs and then doubt I’m even good enough to apply. Its like I’m stuck in this vicious circle that I can’t seem to get out of, believing that things won’t improve and that I’ll never be able to follow the path that I want to take. It’s so difficult to lift yourself from that place of fear, hopelessness and general nothingness. I just feel so lost when I sit at my desk, that things will always be this way. And as I’ve said before, given that I spend most hours of the week here, I need to start feeling differently, to have more faith in who I am and what I can do.

I had a good weekend, spending time with family and my best friend, and doing things that I enjoyed. It gave me a sense of achievement, a good feeling. And it got me thinking. If I liked what I did at work, then that feeling could continue. As it is, today I’m unfocused and unmotivated and already wishing it was time to go home, its not good. I’m in the wrong job, I know that. But its also a struggle to find what is right. Should it be something that excites me the minute I read the spec? Well, it’s a good start at least. But I’m thinking that whatever that job is, I’m not going to find it where I currently am. I’ll keep looking of course as it would be silly not to, but I need to get over my fear that I’m not good enough and put myself out there. If I have the right mindset and faith in myself, I can do what I want to do, I just need to believe that. 

And the question I continue to ask myself is where do I want my career to go, what do I want to be? The answer remains the same, I don’t know. But what I’m trying to understand and realise is that isn’t necessarily a problem. If I feel focused, motivated and determined in what I’m doing and want to achieve, then I could embrace all these things without having a long-term plan. In fact, I might be better off without one. It’s what scares me the most, not being able to see a future, so maybe I need to break it down and allow myself to take advantage of the opportunities that may come my way, if I let them. Perhaps it doesn’t matter that I haven’t got an end goal figured out. I need to give myself permission to step away from the feeling of pressure that I constantly put myself under and instead keep an open mind and focus on exploring new opportunities to see where they might lead. Ultimately to have that faith in myself and strive to find fulfilment at every stage of my journey, rather than in an unobtainable end goal. Another step in working towards improving my own wellbeing, I just need to take it now.