Down time

One thing I’m not very good at is doing nothing, just sitting, reading a book, or enjoying the sunshine. But that’s exactly what I did at the weekend and I’ll be honest, I didn’t realise just how much I needed it and it helped, in some way. I hadn’t realised just how important giving yourself some down time was, until now.  The need to slowly process everything and recharge after feeling anxious and stressed. Giving myself permission to just relax and giving myself the break I needed. It felt good to sit in the sunshine, looking around the garden that we’d created, and enjoy just reading a book, and going for a walk or two.  I didn’t give myself a list of jobs, I had nowhere I had to go, just the time to ‘be’.  To allow my brain to slow down, to not think about anything in particular. I was no longer in the difficult place that I’d been at the end of last week. But somewhere better, and my mental health thanked me for it. I was more aware of enjoying just being in the moment, the here and now, instead of worrying about what comes next.

But after four days of not doing very much, I feel like I’m back to my normal self, frustrated and feeling guilty, like it was all for nothing and I’m stuck on a Ferris wheel that I can’t get off of. And I think it’s because I need to see somewhere else, other than just my house and the estate.  I’m sure I’m not alone in this either. And I know nothing can be done about it right now, we’re in this strange situation, not knowing when it will end. I miss having the choice to do things, to see people, to go where I’d like. It’s a struggle motivationally to do much, even though it’s a good opportunity to pick up that forgotten project, finishing things you’ve been meaning to do for a while. And I have been doing that, to a certain extent. I feel like I’m moaning for moaning’s sake, but I’m also pretty sure that I’m not alone in feeling like this. This situation is affecting us all, in different ways.

I’m craving a normal life again, to see family and friends, doing normal things. I’ve realised just how much I’m missing, despite some time to do things that I may not have done otherwise. To remember what day it is and to actually care. To have a sense of something, anything, instead of this coiled up spring that could unravel any minute, and on the verge of tears, for no reason in particular. I’ve been trying to stay positive , just doing what I can, our bit to help stop this, by staying at home and abiding by the rules. But the last week and the long weekend have caught up on me despite the down time having a positive impact to begin with. They always say you can’t have too much of a good thing don’t they? And I’m realising all the things that I took for granted before, that freedom of choice, doing what you like, its what I’m craving now. The need to go back to reality again.