Today is a Struggle

Its been a while, or so I keep telling myself, since I had a day like today. I don’t know if it’s the weather, which has been quite up and down, or just that things have come to a bit of a head, but I feel like I’m struggling. I can’t really concentrate, I have little to keep me occupied and I have little or no motivation to do anything.  And I just feel generally fed up, of everything. I don’t think the lockdown helps, but its also not the sole cause. I’ve been bumbling along for a while, I know that. But I’ve been telling myself I’m okay, and I seem to be able to get through the day at least. Today is just one of those days where I think I’ve let it all build up.

 

Mondays can always be a bit harder after having the weekend to do what I like to do, and I suppose this one is no expectation, apart from the fact that it’s a little harder than normal. I had good weekend, able to spend time with my support bubble, achieving something that I had initially felt was hard to do, and getting things done at home. So I suppose I felt I ended those two days with a strong sense of achievement. And then it’s back to the 9-5 with a jolt, at a quiet time of year. At least when I was in the office, there were jobs I could do that I currently can’t do at home. But I’m kidding myself really, as I know I’d feel the same if I was there or here. But it’s not all about work, even if it’s a big factor, or seems to be, in my mood.

 

I’m a person who likes to be busy, have a purpose or direction, to know what I’m doing. But I also get scared when things seem a little too hard, until I understand it. So I’m not good when I have little to do, or feel bored, under challenged. Its like I’m at war with myself. I get scared if things seem too hard, that I don’t understand. Yet, I want to feel more challenged in what I do, so a contradiction in terms.  I hate the war that rages within me on days like these. That sense of guilt at not doing enough, the frustration as the time drags and I seem to have done nothing and not letting myself just be. I can’t seem to let go of those feelings, to allow myself a bad day and tell myself that’s it’s okay. Because I always feel like its not. I’m not even going to say that tomorrow will be better, because I just don’t know. I’m trying really hard to find things to keep me occupied, but often when I’m in this place, I’m in the wrong mind-set to see forward, to try and find a way back.

 

So I guess I just have to accept where I am today, and that I could be here for a little while, until this storm passes and I see the sun the other side. Because I will. I’ve done it before and I can do it again. I have no idea what will bring me out of it, but I have to be sure that something will. And in the meantime? I just have to keep trying to survive, day by day. The lockdown is having a negative impact on me in some way, even if I didn’t feel it at the beginning. At this time of year, it may be quieter at work, but in my own time, things would be getting busy in the build up to Christmas, with choir and church. And I realise just how much I’m missing that. I love Christmas and all that it brings,  so I will just have to adapt to how different things will be this year, and make the most of what I do have, trying not to become negative about it all. I think that’s all we can do.

 

 As I write this, I can feel that familiar sense of more guilt building, that I have no right to feel like this when much bigger things are happening to other people. During these strange and unprecedented times, its hard not to think about it particularly. But I have a habit of constantly thinking that I’m doing something wrong, but I need to accept that this is the way that I feel, and that’s it’s okay to focus on me, because if I don’t, who will?