A Different Life

‘That was yesterday, this is today’

Isn’t it strange looking back over old photos? I found some the other day and it got me thinking about the person I was then and in some ways how little has changed. And that saddened me. I longed for the carefree life I had as a student, the going out and fun. But then something else came to me. That I am who I am now because of who I was then, and I should be proud of that. Not looking back and wishing for something different. I have a bad habit of looking back on the past, thinking about how I could have changed things, been a better person and feeling guilty. But I need to start looking forward more, focusing on the present. I need to forget what has happened, I can’t change it, however much regret I have. I’m afraid of never being able to escape those parts of me that I don’t like, the mistakes I made. Full of self-doubt, that much hasn’t changed. But I can only learn and be better now and build towards the future using what I’ve learnt from how I’ve changed as a person. And although sometimes it doesn’t feel like it to me, I have changed. I’m not that 20 year old anymore.  No one moved forward by looking back.  And that got me thinking too, about how I come out of this strange time that we’ve all been living through. Freedom, from both this and my inner demons.

Life is slowly returning to some kind of normality, but it will be a different kind of freedom, a different life to the one we had before. And I’ve been thinking about how I spend my time, my money. As with many people, I feel this period of lockdown has changed me, and how I want to be moving forwards.

‘Freedom’

Give me the long, straight road before me,

A clear, cold day with a nipping air,

Tall, bare trees to run beside me,

A heart that is light and free from care.

Then let me go!- I care not wither

My feet may lead, nor my spirit shall be

Free as the brook that flows to the river,

Free as the river that flows to the sea.                                                  

Olive Runner

At first I felt trapped, hating the lack of freedom and choice. But as I grew accustomed to the different way of living, I adapted. Not so easy for some, and not without its low points, but I do think there will be positives for people as we move forwards. Things are still different of course. This pandemic will take a lot to come back from for  businesses and people, another period of adapting. But we’ve done it already, we can do it again. And maybe in the long run, things may work out better. It will be a long road for all of us to what we had before, but if we continue to work together, we’ll come out the other side, better and stronger than we were before.

And I have to keep believing that, telling myself that I have come some way to being a different person to the one I was before, 20 years ago.  I may not have reached where I want to be, but I need to keep going, moving on. Finding ways of planning for my future but making the most of the present and staying positive about it.  Leave the past where it should be, behind me.