Masking the real story

Don’t we all hide behind something, never really show who we really are?  I know I do. I hide how anxious I feel, that I have problems sleeping and am tired as soon as I wake up. But I lay awake each night, the thoughts racing around my fuzzy head. I try and be honest, but sometimes I just don’t have the words. And as with anyone else, social media tells a different story. The positive. The good things. The parts of me that I try to cling to, the good days.  I feel so lost, so lonely during the dark times, the parts I try and hide. I have a really lovely day but then a bad night, the negative thoughts bubbling to the surface and I don’t have the energy to keep pushing them away. I’m just so tired. I turn to my phone, hoping it will bring sleep, but as expected, it only makes things worse, more thoughts coming in uninvited. I hate this vicious circle, and the fact that I’m just as drawn to it as anyone else. Its all just a curtain, an illusion,  as much as I keep telling myself its not.  Do I want people to see who I really am? I’m not so sure, its not even a person I’m very fond of. And until I change that, how can I let anyone else in? So I continue to hide behind that mask of insecurity and self-loathing. But I’m trying to be better.

So what?? This is what I try to keep telling myself. If anything has come out of this awful time, its that life is too short. You have to grab it with both hands and get on with it, make the most of each day. So that’s what I’m trying to do, not keep hiding behind this mask, but change the way I think about things, my job, my weight, being single. They don’t define me and I need to stop worrying so much, be proud of who I am, bad and good. Keep saying so what, that it doesn’t matter. Tomorrow is another day that I get to keep trying. The thoughts and worries aren’t going to go away, but I can try and channel them into something else. I shouldn’t be ashamed of who I am. No-one should.

‘Be gentle with yourself, you’re doing the best you can’