Feeling Anxious...

I went into the office this week for a couple of days to get some things done that I couldn’t do at home. It’s the first time I’ve been back since March and I was really nervous beforehand. I knew there wouldn’t be many people in so it wasn’t that that was bothering me, I couldn’t really put my finger on what the issue was. A change I suppose, having got used to a different normal. But I realised something else, something I hadn’t really considered before. A person coughing in the same office, the fact that someone else had used the phone from my desk and that things had been moved, all made me feel uncomfortable. I cleaned things, took all the right precautions but the feeling didn’t leave. After filling up my car on the way home, I left without sanitising my hands from touching the pump and it bothered me all the way home until I could wash my hands. I’ve followed all the guidelines and I’ve been fine, so why is it bothering me so much now? Its not that I haven’t been out anywhere, or been shopping. Maybe its because things aren’t really back to normal, despite the relaxation of the restrictions and it’s the unknown once more, that it could all spike again. And as I look forward to going on my holidays soon, I know that some of this anxiety may rise again, at the thought of going into places I don’t know, or maybe drinking or eating out. I went to a pub for the first time the other day and although we all sat outside at the right distance, I was still nervous about it. For something we once thought nothing of, now it’s out of the comfort zone.

 

 I didn’t think I was an anxious person, but I’ve learnt a lot about myself recently and come to realise that there are many things about who I am that I’ve maybe dismissed or not thought much about, just accepted them as me and not as a problem. But the more I’ve learnt, and as I’ve been writing this blog, I can see that there are things that perhaps I shouldn’t bury  and know that its okay not to be okay. This pandemic has been a trying time for all of us, even if we haven’t been on the frontline or directly affected, its happened to all of us. There is no wrong or right way to feel. And its going to take time to feel normal about doing all those things that we took for granted before.