Finding Courage

Why can’t I just be like others and get on with things? My job isn’t something I aspired to be, to be honest I never really had an idea of a career pathway. I suppose that’s why I’ve ended up where I am, doing what I’m doing. I’d like to say that I just get on with it, it’s a means to an end, as most jobs can be. But I’d be lying if I said that.  Not that there is anything wrong with it as such, but its just that I want something more. For the most part I’m frustrated, like a coiled up spring inside as I try hard to motivate myself to just get on. When I’m really busy, when there is some pressure on, lots to do, I’m okay(ish). But then when the job list gets a little smaller or I start thinking too far ahead, its like I’ve hit a wall, unable to get over it and carry on. I can’t even muster a little oomph to do anything. That’s when the thoughts come in, that I’m not good enough for anything else, that I’ll be stuck here, despite my efforts to better myself and apply for other things. Its like a fear that paralyses me almost. It seems so easy to imagine yourself doing something more, following a dream (if you even had one in the first place) as you watch others doing just that whilst you remain stuck in a place that you know you no longer want to be.

I’m aware that I’ve said all this before and yet nothing has changed. All words and no action it seems. Except that I suppose it has changed a little, even if it doesn’t seem that way.  I keep on applying for other jobs, considering different options so its not like I’m not trying. Its just that my time has yet to come, so that’s what I keep telling myself. The same as  I keep saying so what? Maybe it comes from something much deeper within me, the feeling of  being unsatisfied  with myself generally, the job is just part of it. My greatest problem is that I put too much emphasis on things, and by telling myself so what, I’m trying (hard) to take that pressure off. But the flip side of the coin is that lack of self-belief, or courage to be more, something else, and admit that some days will just be a struggle, for no real reason. And until I find that courage, I’ll remain forever stuck, moaning about the same things and I know I don’t want that. So I’ll keep working on it, and grin and bear it, as I know I must, for now at least.

‘With courage, nothing is impossible’ William Hillary.