Facing the Fear

We all have those really bad days, when we don’t want to leave the safety and comfort of our beds, that nothing seems worth getting up for. Like the rain as it hammers at the window, the day is unclear and so is our mind. But then comes the rainbow, offering that spark of something, anything, that can draw us out from our bad place. And that’s what I need to find, my own rainbow, to face my fears head on.

 

I’m scared of everything and that’s why I feel so stuck. The fear takes over, tells me I’m not good enough, for anything, anyone. But the only person really holding me back is myself.  Am I fed up because I’m at home all the time now? I’m certainly more tired, which feels ridiculous given that I’m getting up later. But despite the fact that overall I felt happy working at home, it also has its downsides and after nearly 5 months of doing it, I’m coming to realise what they are, having quite a few days where it’s been a real struggle to do anything. But I know that working from home isn’t really the problem. It’s me. I’ve said before that I’m fed up, and ready to do something more, but I’m scared. Of not being able to find something else, of failing. Sometimes it just feels easier to stick at what I know, safer. But I also know I’m unhappy. And I’m the only one who can change that.

 

And I shouldn’t be ashamed of who I am. It’s like there are two versions of me, what I want and what I don’t want. And I’m never sure which version I will be from day to day. Am I getting closer or just further away from my goals? And I don’t just mean work wise. I’m unhappy with myself generally and that needs to change too. I need to be more proud of the person that I am, and make changes to the parts of me that I don’t like. But do it for me and only me, no-one else. I’m learning the hard way, but I will get there. I need to stay away from those people who erode my confidence, and not keep trying to be something I’m not, just to try and fit in.  Be the person I want to be and not what they expect me to be. If they don’t like me the way I am, they’re not worth knowing.

 

Taking a different view and realising that the things that make me different are the things that make me who I am, and being proud of that, not sacred to be that person.  Be confident, be yourself, be unique. Be more me. With that in mind, I’m going to try and face that fear, the wall I keep putting up for myself, and work out what my dreams and aspirations are, not be scared to follow them and find out where they take me.  I can do this.

 

‘She turned her can’ts into cans and her dreams into plans.