Its Okay not to be Okay

 

Its been a few weeks since I posted anything, and whilst its been a time of holiday and being with those closest to me, I’ve come back to reality with a harsh bump. And I’m not talk about work, although as always that is a factor to my mood. A week back, that’s all I have before I have some more leave. And yet, its been a struggle mentally as my mood shifts and impacts on other things.

 

And today is the hardest as I try and pull myself out from the low place I find myself. All because of some words from a friend, who was right in some ways, but it still hurt. I’m exhausted from crying and going to bed too late, and from just being me. There are so many parts of my personality that I don’t like, that I’m struggling to change. And I’m learning all the time that there are issues I have that maybe I just wasn’t aware of. Of course I know they are there, but its admitting that maybe they are a problem, not just for me, but other people too. Putting a label on it and understanding what that problem is. But on the flip side, telling myself that its okay. To have a bad day, and cry a bit, even when you don’t know what is really wrong. And that we all have issues that we are trying to deal with, and just because they don’t seem important to someone else, doesn’t make them unimportant to me.

 

I’m an all or nothing person and the anxious part of me likes to know exactly where I am with people, establishing the relationship we have. Someone said to me recently that these could be traits of someone on the spectrum, and who knows, maybe they are. Without looking into it more, I don’t know.  But another called it being neurotic. And maybe they are right too. I’m over sensitive and I worry a lot, about everything. I don’t cope well with change when a plan is in place, and this usually ends up with me hitting a low, seemingly for no reason, and becoming irrational in my thoughts and mood.  I read too much into things and worry if I’ve said the wrong thing, at how I have portrayed myself. Its a lot for me to deal with, let alone someone else. I don’t blame others for pushing back. But despite my overwhelming feeling of guilt over it, I need to remember that’s it’s who I am, and just deal with it in a better way. Take a step back.

 

My mental health does not define me, but neither does it make me a bad person. I overreacted to the words that were said to me, once again reading too much into it. But it’s a hump, a bad day, and that’s okay. Things will be better, and friendships will remain. I have lots of other good qualities, if only I took the time to see them, as well as recognise those that could be an issue. It’s not easy changing habits that I’ve had all my life and trying to build up my damaged self-esteem from years of battering, but I’m working on it. It may just take a little while.

 

To Do List

 

Enough sleep

Unchecked

Take care of me

Forgotten

Finding time to be

No chance

Mental health okay

Not sure

Emotional wreck

All the time

Self-belief

A struggle

Stay off social media

Tried and failed

Anxiety

Constantly

Positivity

Lacking

Motivation

I have none

Be kind to myself

A battle

Talking about it

Too hard

I can and I will

Unable to say

Hope to change

Maybe, one day