Where Am I?

 I think the best way to describe how I feel right now is lost. In my life in general, as I’m lacking direction. In my writing, which I feel like I haven’t done in months . I feel like I’ve failed. I feel disillusioned about my future and where it’s going. I doesn’t feel like a nice place to be. And then I feel guilty, selfish for feeling like this when there is so much else going on around me, things so much bigger. But I’m scared. That I’ve amounted to nothing. I don’t know what my place is. I have a sense of restlessness with everything, questioning all my life choices and who I’ve become as a person. It feels pretty lonely here, in this place. And I think I’ve been here a while, if I’m truly honest with myself, perhaps a year or maybe more.

 

I’ve always struggled to know what I wanted to do with my life. I stayed at school for sixth form, even though I know I didn’t pick a course that I really wanted to do, just because it seemed easier at the time, and I wasn’t sure about what to do otherwise. I did a degree in a course that interested me, and whilst I don’t regret the degree I have, or my university experience, I didn’t think then about what I would do with it afterwards. And I know that’s usual for anyone at that stage of life, unless you are one of the lucky ones who has always known what their path in life would be. That just wasn’t me. And I’m still lost, 20 years later. I’ve always craved that feeling, that you’ve found the perfect job for you (is there even such a thing?) and you feel content. I just always feel like I have itchy feet, that I need something more. And I don’t know if finding another job will ease that, but don’t I at least have to try?

 

Looking back over the choices I made, its easy to say that they were wrong in hindsight. But maybe they were the best thing for me, at that time in my life. But all these years on, I just feel stuck and like I’ve not made the most of the time, too scared to make changes. We all need some sense of realism, in that I now have the responsibility of paying a mortgage and being financially secure. But does that mean I don’t allow myself any sense of happiness, in who I am. I’m no clearer now than I was all those years ago about which direction my life is going in. But what I do know is that I don’t like feeling like this. Something has to change, before it breaks.

 

Its not all about having that amazing job, that’s just part of it. As my novel writing has taken a side line, I think that that means I’ve somehow failed as a writer But I’ve written poems, flash fiction, columns and all these blog posts in the time that I haven’t worked on my novel. So I’ve still been writing, just something different and I shouldn’t lessen that achievement in any way. We all go through life in stages, trying to work out what it is we are doing. I know now what I don’t want to do, what I’m not good at, so I’ve learned something. Will I finish my novel? I don’t know. I haven’t given up yet on being a writer, but maybe my path will be a little different? I just need to find that courage to get myself there. There’s no rule that you have to be in a certain place by a certain time, that’s just another pressure that I’m putting on myself. I look at my friends and see where there are, and think I should be there too by now, but again, I’m just following a different path, even if I can’t see it. Only when I accept this, will I feel that its okay. To not know where I’m going, but still trying to find a way to get there. I just don’t want to feel so lost anymore.