Breaking down

 So the inevitable happened, I cried today. There is only so long that you can hold it all together before it becomes too much and something has to give. Despite my on-going struggle, I felt that I’d managed to find ways to keep afloat the last couple of days. And now? Not so much. I hate this feeling of nothing. That float I was hanging onto has gone and there is nothing. I can’t seem to do anything, except waste the day away, feeling awful in the process. Anything I think about doing, just to help me out of this hole, just coils up like a spring inside me, that I won’t be able to do whatever it is, or that it will all just be a waste of time. Why am I like this and why can’t I just get on with it? I feel useless. Like nothing I will do will make me feel any better even if I could find the motivation to do it. How have I even got here??

 

 I just feel so full of self-doubt all the time, and even though I know that I’m better than that, that I can achieve things, somehow I can’t seem to convince myself.  Sometimes it takes all my effort just to get through the day, hoping that the next one could be better. I’m disappointed when its not, and I have another uphill climb just to pull myself through. I don’t even know how I got here, why I’m feeling like this. Its more than just being unhappy in my job, or the lockdown, although they don’t help obviously. And I also know that I’m the only one who can change this but I don’t even know where to begin.  I keep reminding myself of a line in one of my favourite poems-

 

‘I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul’

 

Its  so true, if I only knew how to keep believing it. On days like today I question everything and believe nothing. How can I when my mind is at war with me?  I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of a tug of war, that could go either way as the rope starts to fray. I don’t know if this mood will leave me anytime soon, but the act of writing this all down is helping in a way. Sometimes I need to just get all that whirling mist out, try and make some sense of it all, even if I can’t do anything else.  And allow myself to not be okay, I’m not selfish or pathetic for feeling like this, just human.