Looking back

Well 2020, what a year it has been. It would be all too easy to focus on all the negatives that the last year has  thrown at us, and there have been a lot and there will undoubtedly be more to come over the next few months. But I’ve been thinking back and trying to see some of the positives too, and I’m sure we’ve all had them, however small.

 

It’s been quite an up and down 12 months for all of us, and heightened for those with mental health issues. I’ve had my fair share of good and bad days with some weeks worse than others. Given that I haven’t written a post for a few weeks, you may think that its been okay, but more that I felt I didn’t have anything else I could say, and the ups and downs continued in much the same way as before. I’m used to being really busy this time of year with choir and church so it has been strange to not have all those things to do or work towards, and I have missed them, missed the routine as well as the people and fun that surround them. I think, like most people, this can cause a dip in our wellbeing, we feel a little lost and unsure of how to fill all that time we have suddenly.  But somehow, we do, we get through it, for the most part.

 

Although I may not feel like I have, I know I’ve worked hard since March, as I would have done if there hadn’t been a pandemic. But I’ve also adapted and changed and yet still got my job done, much like a lot of people. So as I finish work for the festive break, I also want to take the time to step back, relax and enjoy the time, but also reflect on what comes next. I’m not setting myself huge goals to start 2021, but what I would like to do is to have the courage to move forward and get over my fears. If this year has taught me one thing, it’s that life really is too short and that the only one stopping me from doing things is me. But I also need to take some of that pressure off and find what’s important to me in order to help me take that step.

 

So that leads me back to why I wanted to write this particular post. I’ve struggled this year, even if it’s taken me a while to admit that. But I’ve also learnt a lot about myself and how I cope with things.  And dare I say it, I’m proud of how I’ve evolved as a person even if sometimes I can’t see it. Our mental wellbeing has taken a bashing this year, yet somehow we’re still going and clinging onto the hope that things will get better. And they will, eventually in terms of this pandemic, even if things are a little different to how they were before. I know it doesn’t feel like it now, especially as the rules seem to be constantly changing and our lives seem so restricted. But I adapted at the start, and I’ll continue to do so. It’s not easy and I’m just as frustrated as the next person, but hope is the only thing we have to hold onto , and with the vaccine now beginning to come into effect, hopefully its only a matter of time until we start to see the positives?

 

I’ve made a huge discovery about myself after starting this blog. Originally I wanted to just share my thoughts on topics around mental health and wellbeing, I certainly didn’t expect to find out that like many others, I have my own issues too that I struggle with. But it feels good to be honest and realise that the things that have been bothering me for years, that I’ve just pushed under the carpet as nothing, are something and its not a bad thing to feel like this. I still have a very long way to go, but I’m glad to have finally made that first step to admitting things. And that’s just one of the things I’m proud of.

 

I’m also really proud that my writing and ramblings have reached other people. I may not have gone back to the novel that I started and abandoned around a year ago, but I’m still writing, I’ve just gone in a different direction for now.  So I’m proud of the words I’ve written this year, whether that be on the blog, or my newspaper columns, or poems and story ideas, its all something. And actually when I think about it, a lot of the things I’ve taken joy from this year have been of a creative nature, so maybe that’s something to pursue more. Despite not being able to do a lot of the things we had planned, I feel lucky to have still been able to see those closest to me, in whatever way possible, and have opportunities to go on holiday in the summer, or days out when we were allowed to. It’s been different, but still good in places.  I’ve continued to create memories which make me just as happy as though made any other year. And alongside that, I have lots of lovely photos as reminders of those memories. But also, I’m proud of the photos that I’ve taken, having been complimented on them for various reasons and asked to put together a slideshow for a church event, its made me see that maybe this is something I could make more out of. I’m not sure what that may be yet, but I’m looking forward to finding out. Lastly, and still on the creative theme, I’m proud of all the things I’ve created this year, having found more time to enjoying crafting. I’ve tried new things, and although they’re not perfect, it’s a great feeling to be able to look at something and say, I did that. If anything, its made me see more what things make me happy and think how I can use this to maybe find the career path I’ve been looking for. I’m not sure yet where I’m going, but at least I’m taking that first step.

 

Nobody could have predicted the extremely strange year we’ve had, or what is still to come in 2021. And I know that times have been increasingly difficult for many people and that it can be hard to see past the now and what’s happened. I’m not trying to be one of those people to brush all that aside and just say ‘oh well I did this, look at me’ more just to say that sometimes the small things can make a huge difference and if we can come out the other side, even if somewhat battered and bruised, we can start to build ourselves back up again piece by piece. I just wanted to share the small things that I’m proud of, and I think we can all find them if we look hard enough.  It’s a cliché I know, to reflect back on a year as it comes to an end, but if it helps us take that small, tentative step forward, isn’t it worth just taking a moment?

 

So I guess, I’m saying that I’ll see you in 2021, and wait to see what it brings, both bad and good. We can get through this storm again and who knows what will happen, but I want to try and at least find out.