Dealing with grief

Only a month in and already 2021 is proving to be hard. Being back in lockdown isn’t helping. Even with vaccines being rolled out, it’s a struggle to see an end to all of this and getting back to a sense of normality.  And on top of that, we lost a close family member at the start of January. He had been very ill for a few months so it wasn’t unexpected but it doesn’t make the loss any easier to deal with. It wasn’t related to the pandemic, and I know I’m not alone as I go through the grieving process. But it feels so much harder when you can’t be with those in your family, comfort one another at a time when you most need it.

 

I was thankful to be able to go to the funeral last week and see the family, but only at a distance which felt very strange. And the last few days have hit me hard as I’ve felt very low and like crying a lot of the time. I think it was the reality of the funeral and not being able to be with everyone as we should be, that he had really gone. Grief can hit us all differently, and at different times. And I’m not the best person at controlling my emotions, especially when they are in a heightened state.  Family and my close friends are the most important things to me, and this whole situation has just made it even more so.  But a part of me feels like I shouldn’t feel like this, that I’m overreacting. But however close you are to someone or not, they are still family and there is no wrong or right way to feel.

 

When I first found out that he’d died, I was of course upset and in shock despite expecting it at some point.  But being that bit further away, physically, from the rest of the family, I suppose it was easier to just get on with things as normal, not forget what had happened of course, but somehow it didn’t seem real. Until the funeral, and saying that final goodbye. And now I’ve reached that stage of overwhelming sadness, crying at everything and anything and just generally feeling tired, and if I’m honest, a little useless. I know the family appreciated us making the trip for the funeral, as it was a long day of driving as well as emotion. But I wish I could do more than just letting them know that I care.

 

It’s a strange emotion, grief. I find it hard to know how I should be. I can’t seem to shake this sadness, and even trying to keep busy or going for walk, things I would normally do to help my mental wellbeing aren’t having the impact that I would have hoped. Maybe it’s the same with any emotion, it takes time to heal.  I will take some solace in the fact that he knew I loved him and I saw him the last time I was down there, and that I was lucky to be able to say goodbye, at a time when so many can’t. The family all know how I feel, and we will be there for each other as much as we can.  One day at a time, but for now I need to just allow myself to grieve in my own way and not feel guilty. I’m allowed to cry, to feel that sadness.

 

‘Just look up’