Am I a Fraud?

What right do I have to sit here and write these things, like I understand? Most of the time I don’t, but I’m trying. I don’t understand me, or what others are going through. But I’m not pretending to. This is my way of trying to talk, to understand. To find out. Just because you haven’t been diagnosed, or even sough professional help doesn’t mean that there isn’t something wrong, or even if there isn’t. But neither am I assuming anything or comparing myself to others. I’m just trying to work things out.

 

We all know our own bodies, what they are trying to tell us. And that includes the mental as well as physical side. So I think we would know if something didn’t feel right, even if we didn’t ask someone else. I just know that I haven’t felt right for quite a long time now. That the constant ups and then downs, day to day, aren’t right. That the way I feel about myself isn’t right. And I don’t believe you have to feel something to an extreme for it to feel or become a problem. But am I reading too much into this, seeing something that’s not even there?

 

Don’t we all feel like that sometimes? Like we are a fraud. We learn more about something, so we often think the worst. But what if this feeling just won’t go away? What if it just builds and builds until it all becomes too much, and you are exhausted from trying to pretend that everything is okay?  That’s where I feel I am. I have low self-esteem and low self-confidence. I have some days where I don’t feel that I can do anything right, that I’m just not good enough. And then I want to cry. We all have these periods of low mood, I’m not disputing that. But I do start to think that maybe its something more when I can’t seem to shake it off. Its stopping me believing that I can do what I want to do, or to be loved.

 

I sat and watched a documentary last night, ‘Back on the Psych Ward’ with Stacey Dooley. It was a heart-breaking, but much needed watch and I’m in awe of the people that felt brave enough to share their stories, despite going through what could be, one of the most difficult times for them. And it gets you thinking, hence this post. Its hard not to feel like you have it good compared to some of those people. But don’t we all suffer in our own ways, whether that be big or small. We can’t feel guilty for how we feel, or think that it is insignificant in any way. We are all different and we all feel things differently, whatever our circumstances.

 

I started exploring mental health and this blog before the lockdown came so I don’t believe that my issues were because of the pandemic, although its certainly heightened those feelings, as with so many others. Trying to understand how you think and feel is difficult, whatever the situation. So the answer is no. I don’t think I’m a fraud at all. I’m just another person trying to find their way through their mental health.

 

‘What you do matters, you matter. Don’t forget that. No-one is perfect, but we all have people that love us, however or whoever we are.’ (a very good friend)