Second Best

 Its been a while since I last posted anything but that doesn’t mean that my own mental wellbeing hasn’t taken a battering. In fact, that’s probably why I’ve been a bit quiet. Sometimes its hard to know what to say, to help myself, let alone anyone else. I feel like a bit of a broken record too, always worrying about the same things. But that’s par of the course isn’t it? Things don’t change, unless we are able to make them change. And the bottom truth of it all, I’ve been quite unhappy recently, to the point that’s it been too hard to explain. And what gets to me the most is the guilt and frustration of feeling like this and not really knowing what I can do to make things better.

 

I’ve been unhappy and unmotivated in my job since coming back to my current post 2 years ago. I didn’t want to finish my secondment and there lay the problem, right from the start. And yet I’m still in the same position. But its not for then want of trying. I wish I could be one of those people who just gets up and gets on with things, does the job to pay the bills. It would be so much easier. But when you spend the majority of hours in a week, weeks in a year and so on in the same place, I do think its important to feel something good about what you’re doing, or what is it all for? And so I keep trying, to find that something else that might, and only might, help me to feel better in myself. But its quite hard to do when you’re not sure where to start. The fear takes hold and scares you into not making that leap that you sorely need. So you accept what you can do and keep looking. Over the last couple of years I’ve lost count of the amount of jobs I’ve applied for. Some I was shortlisted for interview, some were straight rejections and some I just didn’t hear from. But it all comes back to the same thing. I didn’t get that job. I’m never quite good enough. There’s only so many times you can get knocked back that its hard not to start taking personally.

 

I’m not sure how much longer I can just put up with it. I don’t know what else to do. I just wish I felt like I had a sense of direction.  Rejection on any level just leaves you feeling crap about yourself and wanting to cry. I need to find my place, somewhere I belong and feel happy, or at least happier.  I admire those people that have the courage and support to just walk away, to find what is right for them, I just can’t afford to do that, literally. And I don’t know what that right thing is either, which makes it feels much harder to think about, to just move on. I don’t even know who to talk to. No-one will have the answers, only me. But I’ve spent so long looking for them and getting nowhere, its hard to want to carry on. Life is too short to be this unhappy.

 

I spend too long dwelling on things, what could I change, what did I do wrong? And its not just work either. Its just me, its who I’ve become. I’m unkind to myself and believe that’s why I am where I am, lonely and unhappy. Second best in life. But I’ve said it before. How can I expect anyone else to see me, if I can’t see myself. Just nod and say it’s okay, when its very much not, and that its all I deserve. I just wish I didn’t feel like this, that I’m not good enough. It hurts too much.  Its like I’m just waiting, always waiting, And for what? That perfect person that doesn’t exist or chasing something that will only leave me feeling worse at the end of it all. Always someone’s friend, never anything more. Don’t we all deserve that happiness, or just a little part of it? As with work, I’m just too scared to put myself out there, to be completely honest and its what’s been my downfall all these years. I need to stop feeling so ashamed, stop trying to be someone else and work on being kinder to myself.

 

Its somewhat cathartic to be able to get these thoughts down, to reach out and say, guess what, today was hard. This week was hard, or the last few weeks. Even if no-one holds out a hand and says, me too; I hope that my words can help others feeling the same as me. And maybe we’ll get there one day, who knows. But we can at least keep trying to do what we can do. And accept that sometimes second place isn’t always a bad place to be. You have to be in a race to try and reach the finish line. And it will be my turn to be first, one day.

 

We can only guess what would have happened on the roads we did not take. So there is no point dwelling on a past that cannot be changed.

Don’t waste energy just hoping things were better. Acceptance allows you to move on. It allows you to live.

Accept and adapt. (Henry Fraser)

 

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow.’ (Tom Daley)

Whatever you do, do it well. (Walt Disney)