Lost at Sea

 One minute I feel like I’m drowning and the next I’m swimming to shore. I just don’t know what will come next or how to deal with it.  Do I overthink everything? Absolutely. Am I lonely? Yes. Do I always lay it out bare to others? Wrongly. Would I say I hate myself? More than likely. Am I neurotic? Probably. Do I set too much store by things? Always. Will I ever change? Who knows. Can I find the happiness I crave? I hope so. I’m not sure just how long I can face floundering about, panicking. I get to the point where I’m ready to give up and then I get thrown a lifeline, or so I think, but its just for a short while. Thinks look up and I believe I’m happy, things don’t seem quite so bad after all. But then its back to drowning again, believing the worst instead of the obvious, the reality. Do I want to feel loved? Who wouldn’t. Can I ever find a job that I can settle in and enjoy? It remains to be seen. But I know one thing, I don’t want to stay lost out at sea, wondering if anyone will ever find me. I have to find that help for myself, to float and grab hold of, to make my way back to dry land.

I was going to write this post last week, but I wasn’t in the right mindset to be able to get the words out. My head was all over the place and I was trying to cling onto something that wasn’t really there. But I’ve had a little space to think and I’ve talked to others. Because that’s what I need to learn to do, talk. No-one will ever understand how I’m feeling if I don’t reach out. But they also have to be the right people, not the ones that turn away when things seem too hard or judge you wrongly. I have a tendency to put too much faith in people, believe the best in them, so that I can’t see the wrong things, that they aren’t the right people for me to be around. The thing I find hard is knowing when to walk away, even when I’ve been hurt or disappointed. And that’s where I always seem to go wrong.

I just wish I could be anyone apart from me every day. If I weren’t afraid I would turn my back on what’s happened before and try and move forward. But one of my biggest problems is my fear. Of rejection, of not being loved, that things are just too hard. Does it matter? Yes. Am I lost? I think so. So maybe I just need to learn to live with the uncertainty, but just live. I can’t keep hiding and pretending things are okay. They are not. But I want to at least try and make things better. I may be wandering, not sure of where I’m supposed to be going but I know I want to get there. So maybe I’m just at a crossroads right now, but that doesn’t mean I’m lost, just that I haven’t chosen the path I want to follow, or found the courage to make that decision. But I want to.

 

FLY First Love Yourself.

 

Not all who wander are lost

 

Don’t allow others to lower your value just because they can’t see your true worth

 

#MentalHeathMatters