All in my head?

Was it just the job causing me so much anxiety? Am I ‘healed’ or just covering it up with something else? I guess I don’t really know. On the surface I generally feel better, but is that because the job is new and I’m busy so I’m not noticing other things. It can’t all be down to one thing, so that it all goes away when something changes? Or was I just seeing something that wasn’t really there? It does make me question my thoughts and feelings about it all. I just can’t see that our mental wellbeing can be down to one area of our life, although it can certainly have a big impact.

The more I think about it, I wonder if a lot of my issues are around my self-esteem and how this was hit in a huge way when I was younger by being bullied. This is then heightened when you’re in a job or situation where you don’t feel valued or question your ability, your self-worth.  You can’t possibly believe that you are allowed to be happy or successful, that you are a failure at life and anything that you touch. It’s a hard habit to break and even harder to build yourself to believe that you are worth more.  So really what I’m saying is that yes, I do feel better in this new job, but that doesn’t mean those thoughts and feelings go away, they’re just under the surface. I still question my ability and worry about what people think, paranoid about what could be said about me. Its not a nice place to be. I’ve had a few wobbles in the last couple of months at work, always scary to start something new after being in one place for so long, its bound to happen. And I put it down to me just being me, overthinking situations.

But that’s the thing with self- esteem and the anxiety around it, does it ever do away? Is it something that becomes so instilled in you that you can’t break it? After so many years I don’t think its something that will leave me, not completely. The voices in my head that gnaw away at the already frayed edges of my existence may stay quiet for a while, but they’re still there, just waiting for the moment to raise their voices and drown out everything else. But for the moment, I want to quieten them and at least try to build myself back up. Quite a lot of mental health issues are in our heads and I don’t think we should be ashamed to admit that. And as we are just days away from Time to Talk Day, we need to keep talking, reaching out and asking for help when we need it. No-one should suffer alone, despite how little they think of themselves.

 

There is always a path through the forest.

You are still here. And that is everything.

                                                (Quotes from Matt Haig- The Comfort Book)