Feeling irrelevant

 Why am I here? I feel like everything I do is for nothing. Even when I try to make a difference, it doesn't work or I can't be bothered. What is wrong with me? If I can't take myself seriously or properly, then how can I expect other people to? I’m too trying, with no real end result, apart from wondering why I bothered, to how it makes me feel, irrelevant. And this is how I see myself. It makes me want to cry. What do I do now? Just give up, realise my self-worth, which is very little and just stop trying. I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? That I was capable. Silly dreams, which will never amount to anything. I just don’t have the oomph anymore to even try. I hate this side of me. That gives up, runs away the minute things seem a little too difficult. Or I can’t work out what I’m doing. This plagues me a lot, in both work and personal life. I constantly compare where I am in life to what others have, feel like I’ve failed because I haven’t got there. It’s not healthy, and it’s not doing my mental wellbeing any good. And yet it’s a constant cycle that I’m struggling to get out of, or realise that I’m worth more that I believe I do. It’s not a great place to be.

I need to give myself that permission, to succeed and have courage to follow my dreams. To find my own path. Find that strand of identity that I’m trying to fill in the wrong way, unaware of the holes within me. Because it’s simple, we all want the same. To be loved, to be heard, to belong, to make a difference and to have belief and purpose. Isn’t that what we all want really? But it’s not that simple. I struggle with all of these, to see my purpose and constantly question who I am and what I’m doing, why I am the way I am. There is just too much pressure, to conform, to be a certain person. And I’m exhausted trying. But how do I ever begin to change, to find a way out of this. Where it just doesn’t matter anymore and I can accept that. I guess I need to keep looking. Maybe one day it will begin to feel less difficult to deal with.