Be Your Own Superhero

 Its been so long since I last posted, I felt like I'd run out of things to say, or maybe how to say them. But there are always some thoughts bubbling under the surface and I've been maybe too good at hiding them. Sunshine and summer make me happy and life was going okay, But there have been some wobbles, and I haven't been very honest with myself. I did what I always do, try to bury everything and keep busy. But Christmas has been and gone, and after a week of feeling low and struggling to work out why, I suppose I hoped that attempting to put things into words might help. 

I mean, generally I'm doing okay or I think I am. I can't believe I've been in my current job over a year and things seem to be good, if a little quiet at the moment. Do we ever stop worrying about what could come next? Nothing is ever a given these days. Its hard sometimes to get too settled. The niggling feeling I think will always be there, however much someone tries to reassure you. But for now, well I have a job! Sorry for all the negativity, just need to talk. I look back and in some ways I feel like I'm further forward, that I've put myself in a better place. And I have. But all it takes is one small thing and that bravery, all those steps you made, have been forgotten and you feel like you've gone no-where at all. So on the surface,yes I would say that I'm in a better place than I was. But all those doubts and negative thoughts don't leave. They're waiting in the wings, ready to take centre stage at any given moment. I feel braver some days, when I realise the good it did me to leave my old job to where I am now. Or when I take that first tentative step in a new friendship, not knowing where it may lead. And I still don't, but I haven't given up.

At this time of year what really hits me is the darkness, both physically and metaphorically. I hate waking up when its dark and coming home in the dark. and the bad weather that comes with the winter (when will it stop raining?!). I like the sunshine, even on a winters day, it makes me smile, just for a little while. Its that post Christmas slump, where the diary is still a little empty, no money and motivation. And the loneliness feels stronger. I know its something that I keep coming back to, but it bothers me. Its okay to crave that love that only being with another person can bring, and feel lonely even with friends and family around you. But it makes me wonder if I often see things that aren't there and let my imagination go overboard, wishing things could be different. And then the anxiety slips in, overthinking the smallest thing and assuming the worst, seeing negatives that often aren't even there. Who is going to love me if I can't learn to even like myself?

And I'm trying, I really am. I need to work on working things out instead of keeping it all in my head. It all gets too much. Partly I think that's what may be behind my current status. Nothing has happened, but then does something have to for it all to feel like its a bit too much. I need to try and start being the boss of my own life. If I can't make the big changes, start with the small ones. Be your own superhero, no-one else can do it for you. Unleash your awesome! At least that's I'll keep telling myself and maybe a little of it will sink in. And with everything else that makes me, well me, I just have to work with the good and the bad. Its not going to go away, and I shouldn't try and become something I'm not. I just need to have the courage to put on the cape.